A transcript between me and my husband – three months into marriage. He’d just had a shower and graced our bedroom with his beautiful naked body.

S: Ooooh hello you look good.

E: (grunts)

S: Seriously you’re lush. How can someone your age have the body of a twenty something.

E: I think there’s  a compliment in there somewhere.

S: Oh come on you’re 48 and you’re skin is like perfect, there’s not a hair anywhere. Well actually you could do with a trim. It’s a wonder that snake can find his way out of that forest.

E: S!

S: I’m just playing. It’s just we only shaved you once over the summer. I only like the voluminous curls in the winter months. Nice to run my hands through something warm on those cold nights.

E: Sounds like you’re more worried about flossing with my pubes.

S: Well it’s bad enough that my own hair gets in the way. A little trim would help. It’s weird when I find myself extracting my hair from your foreskin mid job. It’s even more weird when I find myself having to lick the duvet cover to remove the stringy pubes off my tongue.

E: Well I’ve never prevented you taking a razor to me.

S: True, true. Awww come here for a cuddle. I just can’t resist all those boyish good looks…

E: You look pretty too baby.

S: Don’t say that.

E: You do!

S: No like, just say something nice to me because I’ve said something nice to you.

E: But I mean it.

S: Well it’d mean more if it was a little more spontaneous.

E: Oh well I’m sorry I’m not more romantic.

S: Can you stop that?

E: What?

S: This admiring yourself in the mirror. Seriously how big headed can you be?

E: I’m not admiring myself. I’m looking at my gut. It’s huge.

S: Oh My God – what the hell. You’ll never be fat – you don’t have the build.

E: I’ve never been this big.

S: Yeah but you were underweight when we met. Now you’re just normal weight. Anyway we look better like this. It’s weird me being morbidly obese and you ano.

E: You’re not obese…and I’m not fucking ano. I just – this stomach.

S: Baby it’s sexy.

E: You’re saying that to make me feel better.

S: I’m not. Listen there’s something really nice about the little soft curve of your tummy. Anyway if you want the truth it really turns me on when I’m licking your balls and I look up and see your tummy. That thatch of hair running to your belly button. It’s hot. Makes me feel pervy.

E: Yeah you like that?

S: I prefer it.

E: Been a while since we’ve had a big session.

S: I know.

E: And I really need one. I wake up feeling so fucking horny at the moment but cause you don’t sleep….

S: What! We’ve not had sex in ages. I’d be happy to have it whatever the time of day.

E: No you reject me.

S: I don’t.

E: You tell me to get off.

S: I do not.

E: You did the other morning.

S: I didn’t I just moaned and the next thing I know your cock was bouncing off my bum cheeks. I hadn’t even opened my eyes. I didn’t say get off, I just said I was sleepy.

E: Yeah but I’m dying for an all nighter. I just don’t know why you’re off sex at the moment.

S: I’m not off sex. I just don’t like myself at the moment…so I can’t figure why anyone would want to have sex with me. But I fancy you…

E: Yeah and I fancy you.

S: But you aren’t going without. I gave you a blow job two days ago.

E: Yes and you do give the best known blow jobs in the universe –

S: And you’ve always said you consider a blow job to constitute having sex. I’ve always said in my view it’s not sex so at the moment you’re having sex and I’m not.

E: Do you know how weird that sounds.

S: I thought you liked blow jobs.

E: I do and I’m happy to have you suck my cock forever but I … wellI wanna be inside you. A girl needs to be fucked senseless once in a while.

S: And I want you to fuck me, I really do. I’m just…I can’t get into a sexy vibe.

E: You liked it last week. (pause) You did like it didn’t you.

S: Yeah I loved it. It was great.

E: And I only used spit to fuck your arse.

S: Which should tell you how much I loved it if you got it in there lube free.

E: It didn’t hurt.

S: No using the vibe in my arse to relax the muscles worked a treat. I have wanted you to fuck my arse so badly but cause we haven’t done it in ages I had serious concerns.

E: That you didn’t want me to do it.

S: No that I’d be so tight you wouldn’t be able to do it.

E: Hun your arse was so relaxed it was like a cunt. Felt amazing.

S: It did and you went for ages. Oh oh and I loved when you put the vibe in my arse to relax it that you were fucking me doggy style at the same time.

E: Felt like you came so hard when I was doing that. You’re kegel muscles were clamping and massaging my cock and that was even before I switched.

S: It was full on. My legs were trembling afterwards. My whole body was tingling. I’m guessing that must be what it’s like to be doubly penetrated. And cause I was on all fours every time you thrusted you pushed the pink vibe in my arse as well. Fucking amazing.

E: Hmmm you sound like you wanna have sex again.

S: Well I paid for it the next day. Seriously this not having sex regularly. The next day I felt like I was giving birth to Mick Jagger. This massive pair of lips protruding from my vagina. They were so swollen it hurt to sit down and to be honest it’s not right that I should be sitting in a cinema with a 4 year old watching ‘Hotel Transylvania’ and thinking about my vagina.

E: You couldn’t shit right for a month.

S: I couldn’t shit right, I couldn’t sit right.

E: If we had more sex you’d get used to being stretched again.

S: Yeah but it’s all about timing isn’t it. You like sex in the morning, but I’m always sleepy.

E: You wan to fuck at night but I’m always sleepy after my evening meal and, you know, we settle down for telly.

S: So we should have afternoon sex. We could do it while your Dad watches the soaps. But you have to let me make you come:

E: No. You know it’s like a tranquilizer. I’ll crash out and not make dinner and then….

S: Yeah but then if I have to wait till after dinner to give you a blow job.

E: I thought you liked my cock.

S: I do but if I have to finish you off after we’ve eaten. Well it’s like, you know I like to do as much washing up as I can before we eat so I can sit down and enjoy tea, cause if I see a mountain of washing up it’s just a chore that spoils my enjoyment of the meal?

E: (nods)

S: Well if we do all that fucking and you keep tabs of my multiple orgasms.

E: Your excessive multiple orgasms.

S: Well whatever. Anyway it’s like then I have to make you come and sometimes it takes ages cause you’re a little older, your mind wanders, your Dad interrupts or moves around and kills the mood with the threat of coming upstairs.

E: Well I don’t want it to be a chore or a mercy blow job.

S: You don’t give a fuck about my intention. In fact you once said you get off on having sex with me when I’m not well because you like the idea of me performing under duress.

E: I do. I love it when you’re moaning more because you ache rather than ecstasy. That’s as close to being a sadist as I get.

S: Yeah well if I have to wait till after dinner to give you a blow job…it’s like the washing up. It’s kinda – a little less spontaneous, a little less in the moment, a little more like a job. And then there’s the whole….well you’re thick and I gag and having just eaten there’s the whole reflux thing. I’ve got pureed chicken and chips being upchucked.

E: I like the feel of that.

S: What you like the head of your cock being washed in a regurgitated meal?

E: It’s cool that you choke on my cock. I like feeling the wall of food hit my cock and you struggling to swallow the food down, your eyes streaming.

S: Well it’s not so pleasant for me.

E: But you’ve made me horny and I wasn’t feeling so great before.

S: How comes?

E: Cause I was in the shower and, you know, it’s a little cold. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a grower not a show-er and I looked down and my ball sack is significantly lower than my cock.

S: But it was cold. When it warms up and stuff…your cock’s fine.

E: It’s not though. I’ve got like a droopy ball sack.

S: Oh don’t be stupid. It’s fine. It looks okay. I can’t see a problem. I told you I love licking your balls, putting ‘em in my mouth and stuff.

E: Yeah but it’s a known fact that the older you get the lower your balls hang.

S: So it it’s normal. What’s the problem? I think it looks aesthetically pleasing. It’s not like you’ve got an acorn and your balls are down round your knees.

E: Give it 5 years.

S: Oh come on.

E: I’m being serious. I mean look at it. Look at all this excess skin.

S: Have you ever seen ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ cause the way you’re pulling that looks like a turkey gobbler of something. I think maybe you could do some of the tricks and stuff they do on stage.

E: I’ve not seen it and I don’t wanna fucking be in it. LOOK AT THIS SKIN. That’s not right. I think like I need a scrotum tuck.

S: Are you being serious?

E: Well yes I am.

S: You want a scrotum tuck?

E: Yeah I do. If we get some money together….What would you have a problem with that?

S: Ummm look I gotta be honest. I just don’t see the problem.

E: Yeah but I’m the only man you’ve ever been longer than a night. You don’t have any oter male genitalia that you’re familiar with as a point of reference.

S: That should be a good thing cause if it really is … hanging low … I’m not gonna know any way to complain or make an issue of it. You’re good, you’re in the clear. It can hang exactly where it want. Just hang there. Like your balls are a pendulum on a clock. Hanging in there and I’m just taking it in without passing judgment. In fact if I position myself right sometimes when you’re fucking me from behind your balls actually rub against my clit. Feels fucking amazing. Guaranteed orgasm the minute I feel them swinging in to hit the clit.

E: Sounds like you have an opinion. Seems to me like you’re now saying you think they hang low. Do you think it hangs low?

S: No we’ve just said I couldn’t possible comment. All I can say is, for me, personally I think your balls look great. You know why do you think when I get you to the point where you’re ready to come I like you to kneel over me and finish yourself off. It’s not to be porno and have you cum in my mouth or over my tits – it’s so I can lick and suck your balls. I love ‘em.

E: But if I wanted a scrotum tuck?

S: If you really want one and we get the money then….you know I think it’s fine, I fancy you but if it’s gonna make you feel better I’ll support you.

E: You’ll back me getting a scrotum tuck?

S: Sure yeah of course. I don’t think you need one, but you were there when I got the gastric band and supported me even though you didn’t agree so – go for it baby.

E: Oh my god I can’t believe you think I should get a scrotum tuck.

S: What?

E: You’d let me go through with it. For fuck’s sake S who’s gonna see my balls. Just you and maybe a doctor. Two people are gonna see my balls and you’d let me go ahead and have a scrotum tuck. I can’t believe you wouldn’t dissuade me. You haven’t even attempted to talk me out of it.

S: I thought you wanted one.

E: I was just testing you. Seeing how you’d react. I don’t want a scrotum tuck. Who the fuck is gonna see my balls to care, but you’d let me have that surgery?

S: I didn’t know what to say. I was trying to be supportive. You know if it was gonna make you happy and all – give you some confidence – who am I to say no? Course you’re right. Only me and a medical professional will see your bits.

E: And that S is my point.

S: What!

E: I fancy you and I’m the only one you fuck so if I find you sexy what do you care what other people think? Do they actually matter in respect of your weight? Are we braking our entire sex life because of what you think other people, that don’t even fuck you and never will, might think about your looks?

S: Errr so are you sorting your ball sack out or what?